A love that was

I'm confused whether I'm hurt at the moment or I'm upset. I think I'm upset. No, I'm more hurt than upset. Yes, I'm hurt right now. Because I'm going through the same pain once again, these days. The pain of deception. Dishonesty. Ignorance. Indifference. And all that can make one feel like an irrelevant and a petty 'thing'. Thing, because only things can't feel bad or get hurt, and are treated pitilessly. I've been too! Badly!

Eight long years, lakhs of meetings, thousands of promises and hundreds of expectations – all do make a beautiful relationship, no doubt. But hold on, it all can be thrown out of one's mind (and heart, if one has it that is) in a micro-second too! Same has happened with me as well. Once again. But for a change, I'm not crying this time as much as I used to, previously. At the same time, I know I've been 'made' to learn one fact that this pain will stay with me as an inescapable part of my life now – till my last breath. And I think, psychologically I've started to accept it as it comes to pass, from now on (I was unable to walk away this time as well, like always; it's like either be with him or with God, and I can't choose to be with the latter for certain reasons I can't talk about here – I may be sounding abnormal to you and I myself think I'm turning just that).

Someone who would care for me and love me truly, someone I could trust blindly, someone who wouldn't cheat on me even for once in 'our' lifetime, someone who would help me make our relationship special forever, and someone who wouldn't make me so insecure that I would have to go to certain cheap extents out of fear of losing him – this is all I wanted. From the love of my life. I have failed. Instead, I have been 'blessed' with everything opposite I had wished for. Everything opposite!

It all looks like a joke now. And who played this joke with me? I can't hold God or him responsible. It's me! Yes, it's me! I allowed such things in my life, again and again. And it's one fact that I didn't ever shy away from telling the entire world.

Have I? Has he?

If love is about giving and not taking, I have probably never loved him. And he has done the same with me!

If love is about sacrifices, I have done a few (small ones, I guess – now they have become ancient history and dumped disgustedly) but have always fallen short to make the 'valid' and 'demanded' ones. And he has never made any!

If love is about making the other one feel like 'someone special', I have always tried to give him that warmth but have eventually failed. And he has made me feel special at times, but has showed me the 'reality' soon after, as a rule.

If love means you are hurt like hell when you two indulge in a fight, I have really loved him. And he has loved me (sometimes) and has loved me not (by and large).

If love means you shouldn't let the sun go down or rise without making up, I have partly loved him – I did try on a few occasions but failed. And he has loved me a little less – he only started trying to patch-up after I told him what I wanted in those mournful hours, but has brought that to a halt now.

If love means differences don't make a difference, I have definitely not loved him. And so has he!

Lost for the last time?

They are rolling down my eyes,
Can you see them? Can't you see them?
And I am truly very hurt,
Do you know that? Don’t you know that?

There’s been no love for hours now,
From your side… it’s killing, really.
You exactly did what you said and wrote,
No contact so far… it’s killing, really.

I had always expected that you’d do 'that',
Just once, may be.
But today, right now, I clearly know,
That it’ll never happen.

Half of the day and all of my hopes are gone,
I don’t regret the day, I don’t regret the hopes.
I may be lying here – to myself, to you,
But that’s no more important – to you, to me.

Just once, if you had made the first move,
I would have overlooked the past, buried in my nearest closet.
Just once, if you had thought I needed you, in this situation,
I would have loved that thought for the rest of my life.

But you went the same old, hurtful way, even now,
You repeated the same old process, the same old insensitiveness.
But this time, unlike always, I am not going to repeat my do,
Nor will I hang around for your action, any more.

I have had enough of it, of you, perhaps,
The only thing I’ll now do is to test myself, my willpower.
No, I’m not going your way, for sure,
Just making way for your way, that’s it.

He never existed!

He, whom I had never seen, was somewhere in my thoughts;
I was so determined I would meet him one day.
I waited, waited, waited – the hope always prevailed;
Until one day, when I actually met what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

Poor me, I still went on hunting for him,
Here, there, everywhere – sounds stupid but true that is.
Failures never put me off; I would become stronger instead,
Because that hope would always crop up,
And it died only when I met what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

I wished he would love me, miss me, care for me;
Wishes became desires, and hopes strengthened by the day.
He would never let me shed a tear, would always make me feel special – What’s wrong if I wished only that much from life?
Desires turned into fancies, hopes started fading away,
In that cluttered atmosphere, I only met what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

It was painful, very painful – so much so that it almost killed me,
Once, twice, thrice – I have lost the count today.
Sometimes, I would feel I was talking to him, he was with me,
Until the very next moment, which would tell me I was a fool.
And one day, I found myself head to head with something,
Something I had never expected, something that was difficult to handle.
Finally, left with me in one room was what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

Not him, because I never deserved him.
Reality, because he never existed!

Yes, I am!

And I will stay mum now. About this. About that. I have a feeling. But I won’t share it. I have loads of them. But they will be buried inside me. Forever.

Not that I never tried to make things understood; it's just that my karma had always made it my fate, and I failed. Always. At every trial. They say, what goes around comes around. I also might have transmitted those kinds of energies previously, that’s why it’s hitting me back like this. And why it shouldn’t? What goes around comes around! After all!

And with that, I get one thing clear like mirror – I'm sick! Mentally! Else, who would do certain things only I do, of all the people in the entire world? Am I supposed to spoil my life? But I must ask myself first – is it ‘my’ life, in the first place! I have no answer.

It’s getting more intricate… second by second. Minute by minute. Day by day. And here, word by word. But before that feeling sinks in, I have a thing to confess – it’s ‘me’ behind all this. This misery I’m undergoing. Or that’s what I now think. One more sign of abnormality. But I can’t help it now. I was not cut to be like this. My karma, those downbeat energies and those inexhaustible thoughts running into my poor head did it all. Again, the blame is off my head. Still, I’m behind all this. My misery.

I dread days. And nights. The only time when I’m confident – it comes and goes away. Without me realizing it had come. And I, like fools, start cribbing about it. About my imprudence. My inattention. My fate. My destiny. My karma.

I don’t wish I could hold that in my hands and correct things. Why should I? Wishes don’t come true. Mine has never! I tried my level best but again, without doubt, it’s my hand behind my tears. My karma has put me into this situation. I can’t get away now. I have been clutched. Squeezed. The only respite – the fact that I know… that death comes to all. I’m waiting for that. Yes, I am.

Good bye

I’ve been trapped again. Hit again. Smacked again. And I couldn’t help it! Despite my two-day-old resolution, I couldn’t help it. The worst of all – I feel cheated yet I can’t take my steps back. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

If you’ve read my last blog entry, you would instantly know what I’m talking about. Else, I’m not going to ‘recite’ that pain for a second time. Sorry for being rude. But I think it’s high time I changed my approach of handling and holding things in a better way to make it less bitter. The new plan of action should be – turn the tables. What do you say? Before you say what just popped into your head, I declare I won’t follow that method. It won’t come out of me. No matter how hard I try. I won’t be able to even the score, at least in this case. I may sound mad to you, but I can’t help that either. I am mad. Mad in love. And I hate myself for that. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for that.

If I didn’t utilize those keys (please refer to the last blog entry), why am I cribbing about it now? Why couldn’t I place things in order (I’m regretting being lying amid that huge dirty mess all the time)? Is there a respite now? Or a way out? Just for a day? Or for an hour? Or for a minute? I won’t go into seconds. You can very well see how restless I am at this moment, can’t you? My fault for my misery. Slap me. Because I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.

Good bye!!

Why?

Do you have the answer to this ‘why’? I know you don’t, as you yourself are a victim of this word. You yourself have the least idea as to ‘why’ things take ‘that’ turn every so often. And probably, you yourself are unaware of the ‘fact’ that now you can’t help it. For the simple reason that it has become your second nature now. Or the first one.

Good that you’ve realized, like always. Only to be even more determined than the last time that you have hit that chord ‘this’ time that lets you ‘perform’ those ‘acts’ over and over.

Good that you’ve just made me look like a fool, once again. It’s not the question of you deserving or not deserving ‘something’ in life; it’s the plain question targeted towards me – do I deserve all this? Before I could even ponder over this biggest question of my life, I have the answer ready – yes, I do. I deserve this. I do deserve this. Else, you tell me – if you were me, would you have given yourself even a second chance to run through the same pain once again? Or, at the most, a third chance? I know you wouldn’t have! Sensible you. Insensible me.

What do I do now? And ‘why’ should I come to a decision what to do now, in the first place? I think I’m still so very weak – weaker than the last time. Even after so many past (back) stabbings, I tried to stand still (holding those ‘memories’ somewhere inside me – I can’t forget it, I can’t help it, even today)! Only that ‘pile’ has grown bigger. Bigger. Even bigger. And so has my pain.

It’s just beyond my thinking process – as my tears are rolling down, hundreds after hundreds – were eight years not sufficient? Did those feelings, those emotions appear to be fake? Were my ‘so-called’ inputs simply going into the garbage box, next to your heart? A ‘yes’ to all these queries, and I’m sorted. But, hold on, not at ease. I’m even more distressed now. Because you have not only confirmed my ‘doubts’, you have run off with the last possibility that could have freed me from this anxiety.

I hate this. But want to console myself. I know no thoughts could raise my spirits at this moment. Or for the next few days. Or till the time I’m alive, breathing. Or… I don’t know till when. In reality, I should be slapped. Hurt even more. Shouted at badly. Thrown out of this world. But not pitied, for the sake of that god who gave me a mind I could use. Sorry god, but you know what – you made me like that. You sowed that oh-I-just-can’t-imagine-my-life-without-him seed inside me. I’m not blaming you here. Just trying to console myself. I know I shouldn’t. I don’t deserve that either. Because it’s not my fate. I made it this way. I had the power. I had the keys into my hands. I misused it. In fact, I just didn’t look at it at all. Not a single time out of the zillion times. Poor me – and here, I just consoled myself for the last time. And when I say last time, I bloody mean last time.

Just shut up!

Rude as these words may sound, but it’s a part of life. A sad part though. The problem, now that I have understood, is not with the bad luck or bad timing or even the bad sense of coping with someone. It’s ‘gifted’! Yes, it’s a gift of life. But why am I sad with a gift so much into my life, a gift that comes my way every single day? May be I am foolish and imprudent to take what’s given to me as a gift.

Why have I started keeping my thoughts to myself only? Why do I dread voicing my opinion now? Why do I fear there might be some slips between the cup and the lips and the thought would lead to another silence? Why do I want to ‘play’ it safe all the time? Okay, most of the times? (True, things flow out of my mouth at times when it’s simply intolerable, unfit for my consumption; I am a human being after all.)

It happens. And it gets repeated. Over and over.

Not that I lose my footing and let the misfortune slaughter my spirits, once again; I do try to keep my balance on the safer side of the ocean but as they say, you can’t learn to swim in just one try. Honestly, I have attempted to be at least a not-so-bad swimmer, if not a champion. But the waves always hit me hard and I find myself again in deep water – broken, howling, down in the dumps.

I say it and I get it. What follows are the most callous words along with a very strong feeling of an uncaring and heartless attitude. Too much to take! But I have taken. Not just once. I have lost the count; yes I stopped it after the hundredth time it transpired. And the ‘cake’ is decorated with lots of ‘cherries’ all over with the ‘after-effects’. Nothing at all! A big zero! I know, poor me!

And my hard skin has not made me tough enough to get used to it – that’s where the irony stays. I still feel the same twinge I underwent on the Day One. Only my perception has changed. Now, I think I have bumped into an escaping that demands only one approach – just shut up!