A love that was

I'm confused whether I'm hurt at the moment or I'm upset. I think I'm upset. No, I'm more hurt than upset. Yes, I'm hurt right now. Because I'm going through the same pain once again, these days. The pain of deception. Dishonesty. Ignorance. Indifference. And all that can make one feel like an irrelevant and a petty 'thing'. Thing, because only things can't feel bad or get hurt, and are treated pitilessly. I've been too! Badly!

Eight long years, lakhs of meetings, thousands of promises and hundreds of expectations – all do make a beautiful relationship, no doubt. But hold on, it all can be thrown out of one's mind (and heart, if one has it that is) in a micro-second too! Same has happened with me as well. Once again. But for a change, I'm not crying this time as much as I used to, previously. At the same time, I know I've been 'made' to learn one fact that this pain will stay with me as an inescapable part of my life now – till my last breath. And I think, psychologically I've started to accept it as it comes to pass, from now on (I was unable to walk away this time as well, like always; it's like either be with him or with God, and I can't choose to be with the latter for certain reasons I can't talk about here – I may be sounding abnormal to you and I myself think I'm turning just that).

Someone who would care for me and love me truly, someone I could trust blindly, someone who wouldn't cheat on me even for once in 'our' lifetime, someone who would help me make our relationship special forever, and someone who wouldn't make me so insecure that I would have to go to certain cheap extents out of fear of losing him – this is all I wanted. From the love of my life. I have failed. Instead, I have been 'blessed' with everything opposite I had wished for. Everything opposite!

It all looks like a joke now. And who played this joke with me? I can't hold God or him responsible. It's me! Yes, it's me! I allowed such things in my life, again and again. And it's one fact that I didn't ever shy away from telling the entire world.