He never existed!

He, whom I had never seen, was somewhere in my thoughts;
I was so determined I would meet him one day.
I waited, waited, waited – the hope always prevailed;
Until one day, when I actually met what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

Poor me, I still went on hunting for him,
Here, there, everywhere – sounds stupid but true that is.
Failures never put me off; I would become stronger instead,
Because that hope would always crop up,
And it died only when I met what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

I wished he would love me, miss me, care for me;
Wishes became desires, and hopes strengthened by the day.
He would never let me shed a tear, would always make me feel special – What’s wrong if I wished only that much from life?
Desires turned into fancies, hopes started fading away,
In that cluttered atmosphere, I only met what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

It was painful, very painful – so much so that it almost killed me,
Once, twice, thrice – I have lost the count today.
Sometimes, I would feel I was talking to him, he was with me,
Until the very next moment, which would tell me I was a fool.
And one day, I found myself head to head with something,
Something I had never expected, something that was difficult to handle.
Finally, left with me in one room was what I deserved –
Not him, but the reality!

Not him, because I never deserved him.
Reality, because he never existed!

Yes, I am!

And I will stay mum now. About this. About that. I have a feeling. But I won’t share it. I have loads of them. But they will be buried inside me. Forever.

Not that I never tried to make things understood; it's just that my karma had always made it my fate, and I failed. Always. At every trial. They say, what goes around comes around. I also might have transmitted those kinds of energies previously, that’s why it’s hitting me back like this. And why it shouldn’t? What goes around comes around! After all!

And with that, I get one thing clear like mirror – I'm sick! Mentally! Else, who would do certain things only I do, of all the people in the entire world? Am I supposed to spoil my life? But I must ask myself first – is it ‘my’ life, in the first place! I have no answer.

It’s getting more intricate… second by second. Minute by minute. Day by day. And here, word by word. But before that feeling sinks in, I have a thing to confess – it’s ‘me’ behind all this. This misery I’m undergoing. Or that’s what I now think. One more sign of abnormality. But I can’t help it now. I was not cut to be like this. My karma, those downbeat energies and those inexhaustible thoughts running into my poor head did it all. Again, the blame is off my head. Still, I’m behind all this. My misery.

I dread days. And nights. The only time when I’m confident – it comes and goes away. Without me realizing it had come. And I, like fools, start cribbing about it. About my imprudence. My inattention. My fate. My destiny. My karma.

I don’t wish I could hold that in my hands and correct things. Why should I? Wishes don’t come true. Mine has never! I tried my level best but again, without doubt, it’s my hand behind my tears. My karma has put me into this situation. I can’t get away now. I have been clutched. Squeezed. The only respite – the fact that I know… that death comes to all. I’m waiting for that. Yes, I am.